Say what you mean to say

KB and I have been attending an adoptive parent’s class at our agency the past few weeks.  It’s been so wonderful to connect with other couples who are on the same journey to parenthood.  It may be difficult to believe or understand this but, at times in this process we’ve felt alone. Very alone.  Hear me – that’s not meant to be a poor reflection on the amazing love and support our friends and family continually pour out to us. It simply is what it is.  This class has been such an answer to prayer. The families we’ve met all have similar hopes and fears.  Many have been through incredibly difficult circumstances in their pursuit of parenthood. It’s an honor to sit shoulder to shoulder with them each week – the walking wounded.  What a beautiful reminder of how our can God bring joy out of pain! 

We’ve been learning a lot – some information is new and some is a reinforcement of things we’ve read, heard, etc.  One specific topic that’s stood out to me is language.  Positive Adoption Language is a tool we’ve been given to help clear up common misconceptions about adoption.  I know what you’re thinking: good grief, MORE PC language!  I agree that we are inundated with mountains of ‘best practices’ when it comes to how we converse.  Yes, at times it’s really annoying.  We all want to speak without fear that we will be misunderstood, misinterpreted, labeled as close-minded or worse.   

Like it or not, the words we choose can have a huge effect on others. Personally, I think it has most significance where children are concerned. We are all guilty of speaking without thinking (I might have a gold medal in this event).  With a little education, I believe a few minor changes can be made in our language choices that will be hugely beneficial.  Check out this list, y’all.  Who would want anyone to refer to their child, or any child, using the terms on the right? NO ONE.

Positive Language	Negative Language
Birthparent	Real parent
Biological parent	Natural parent
Birth child	Own child
Born to unmarried parents	Illegitimate
Terminate parental rights	Give up
Make an adoption plan	Give away
To parent	To keep
Biological or birthfather	Real father
Parent	Adoptive parent
Child placed for adoption	An unwanted child
Court termination	Child taken away
Child with special needs	Handicapped child
Was adopted	Is adopted

*For a more extensive list, check out the Adoptive Families Magazine website, they have a great PDF with additional info.

A few of these terms are specifically ‘post adoption’.  For example: we are currently potential adoptive parents, but once we adopt we will be parents, period.  What a beautiful word - parents!  

Much love, 

Annie & KB